Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
