We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
