so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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