Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
