It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
