I'm gonna have a badass scar
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
