I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize