Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
