It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
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I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
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Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.