he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men