I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN