So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
it hurts more in the daytime
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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