So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
