I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
