I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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