the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
