i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
