You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
