Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.