I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
