I think my vagina is haunted
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
