Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
