once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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