Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
