watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
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