the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
