@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
