I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Randomize
