new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
