So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.