I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great