I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
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I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
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THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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