New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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