yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
