I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
