pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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