He asked to "fluff my boner.."
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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