my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
