been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
