batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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