I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
