I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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