youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
