last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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