I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
