Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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