i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
