Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
