I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize