im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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