$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
