I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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