I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
