Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
