I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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