I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
