You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
