The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I woke up under a house in Key West
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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