guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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