I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
